December 29, 2004

Software-Marketing 101: Fear of the "What if...?" sells many more copies than does "Whats that?"

Eyes, wallets wide open to XML traffic woes in 2005

Want to send software sales through the roof?

Step 1: Create fear by showcasing the absolute worst case scenario.

Step 2: Write a software application or build a piece of hardware that fixes that problem before it ever becomes one.

[DISCLAIMER: Please, please, please... don't take the comments made in this post to mean anything beyond having a little fun. I am in no way trying to suggest that there is not a very real problem with networks overloaded because of XML messages. This just seemed like a fun way to showcase that not all problems are as bad as they may sound or that not all solutions are as good as they might sound.]

Step 3: If it never becomes a real problem focus your customer towards the fact that this is because they were the smart ones: they licensed and subsequently installed your product and furthermore through your excellent service things were kept running at a brisk pace even when things were "getting close" to their suggested capacity. "It's a trooper that beautiful piece of shiny and wonderful-whateveryoucallit thats now at the center of our network." will be said and congratulations made to whoever it was that made the inherently tough but without a doubt "right call" to get this product installed before the "dooms-day-from-hell" finally came into reality.

Whoever that person is in the company, take them out to dinner and give them "your" season tickets to whatever basketball team your town happens to label as their own, suggesting further this persons heroic status is deserved of rewards much greater than this for it is through "his vision" that "his company" is now "enabled" [don't say what you mean by enabled, let him decide what that means because a "hero" is always going to think of much better things that have been "enabled" because of "his vision" and bring them out in random conversation at the water cooler which is ultimately more affective for your future dealings when its coming from his mouth instead of yours] and we all know how important being "enabled" truly is! Further stating "besides, with how "busy" things have become with practically every other company in the world knocking down our door after they heard that you guys have been using this for the last 6 months without a hitch I now hardly have time to eat much less attend extra-curricular activitees like NBA games 3 times a week." The final rivet in the "armor" that is now protecting your software from any other competitors attempted infiltration will come when you suggest "you see, if I had your vision and brain I could probably afford more outside activitees such as attending these games but there's only half-a-handful of individuals in the world with that level of intelligence & capability and if [updated-insert: ooops] you I were one of them [updated-insert: again, ooops] you I most certainly wouldn't be running the sales department at my company, I would OWN the company and be paying someone else to be doing all the hard work while I spent my time as a philanthropist, giving back all that I had been given and more and seeking further ways in which the blessing of this wealth could benefit the less fortunate".

NOTE: If at any point during this dinner, and more specifically this speach, this person becomes so moved that you think you may see a tear or two puddling in the corner of his eyes, you may want to consider politics as this is where talent like that usually ends up.

Step 3-A: If it does become a problem and somehow your software or hardware is part of that problem release a patch (any old patch will do, you're simply buying time while you track down the real problem and find a way to fix it.) That'll buy you two weeks while they install and test this new "patch" on all of their systems. Spend this time finding the real problem (at that point feel free to give me a call: My rates are high for cases like this but what other choice do you have, right? Besides you obviously didn't spend the money up front to hire anybody who knew what they were doing in the first place so its time now to pay your dues my friend. Sooner or later you knew this day would come so just bite-the-bullet and cough up the dough ;) :D ) and then release the final result of such expenditures as a .x upgrade (another patch infers the first one didn't work where as a a .x upgrade suggests that you are trying all you can to simply make the product product better, adding more features and performance enhancements at no additional cost because all .x upgrades are free, further showcasing your dedication to providing the finest products, with the best support, and a constant effort at giving your customers all they need and more.... thats just the kind of company you are.)

Step 4: While you are still being deemed the hero of both scenarios hire someone who actually knows how to fix the real problem (by showcasing there never was one in the first place and that it was just bad software development and implementation practice that caused all the problems that are now being dealt with.

That will be $22G's please ;)).

Of course this will open the door for version 2.0 of your software or hardware, or better known as "The way things should have been done before you bought version 1.0 of this product in the first place." But by version 2.0 your customer will feel somewhat locked-in and now that it seems things are running SO-MUCH-BETTER than they ever have (duh!) this is obviously because they made the right choice in the first place by choosing to license and install your software, just like you suggested. Once again your'e a hero and can now begin to spin off new versions of products no one ever wanted or needed in the first place but because you obviously know best they're going to buy them anyway so what the hell, live it up! ;)

Step 5: I smell a version 3.0 sometime in the not-so-distant-future and it will have this, and that, and all this other cool stuff as well -- or as the rest of us like to call it "vapor lock".

Have a fun year "xoptimizing" your networks! :D

Cheers!